Fart Jokes as War Between Sexes?!

Hahaha.


Unrelated:
Funny crap positions
Damn funny Chinese comments.

Puns

Do you think puns are funny?

Hmmmmmm.

Non-LOL Watches

Hunting around for interesting videos to watch :3

Death Note: I'll take a potato chip...

Hahaha watch how the potato chip joke evolves!

It started with this...



Read the comments

The LOL Videos

I don't wanna lose the links so Imma flood this entire post with LOL toons.

A preview of the nature of ALL videos following:

Buncho Links

Yep, as usual, collecting links that I would probably never revisit.

Kids react to Hatsune Miki
Naruto Shippuden... LIVE ACTION!?

Mocking Yaoi fanfiction

Don't know why a friend pasted this link

Confusing ways of speaking - Confusing the universe

Basic Instructions

Batman Shy Gif

Batman Shy Gif



:D

How to react to a crackpot theory

How to react to a crackpot theory



LOL. Made my day.

I read this wondering how to react to people who make crackpot theories.

Then I realize I'm usually already reacting the way that bald guy does (except for...the last panel). OR, on rare occasions, I'm the bastard who's cracking the theories. Oh fuck.

This artist is now added to my idol list!

What I grieve over

I was grieving to a friend over the company printer that's probably going to die. I can sense it... The predecessors, two smaller versions of this printer, died due to violent treatment. This is basically...domestic abuse.

I...I don't understand. I don't understand why anyone would...would press the "Start" button five fucking times, with such...brute and vengeance...just to get it to copy files.

Can you imagine?

You were once big, strong, efficient, and a service provider spewing pages after pages.

Then these abominable monsters who call themselves the two-legged sentient beings come along.

With their hands and fingers that may and probably have been to questionable places, they start pressing you like they have something against you and your entire family tree.

They reload paper by pulling your guts out, and then slam your guts back into you.

Soon...you start showing signs of a terminal illness when you choke on your own papers and cough blood all over with ink spillage.

That's when they call the shaman (repairman) to do the sending for you. And when the repairman walks away with his head shaking--...

...the end.




And then my friend told me: "I feel like... This is your equivalent of sympathizing with a poor homeless kitten. Cept that.. It's a PRINTER"



...That's got to be discrimination there I swear.

Transformer Favorite Character List

"Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of...the Decepticons!"

My favorite characters of Transformers are as follows...and it's a long list. Just had to talk about the Transformers somewhere or I'm going to implode with enthusiasm for this bunch of machinery.

Transformers New Lyrics

Optimus Prime: Bodohbots, let's troll!!

I'm still so satisfied thinking about it.

Credits here for the lyrics:

The Transformers,
More than meets the eye
Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons
The Transformers
Robots in disguise
The Transformers
More than meets the eye
The Transformers.

Here's the correct one.

The Mindbogglers!
More than bleeds the eye
Bodohbots wage their battle to humor the funny forces of the Decrapticons
The Mindbogglers!
Total C-M-I
The Mindbogglers!
More than pricks the mind
The Trespassers! (<--from Cybertron)

NT / NF Death Spiral

NT/NF Death Spiral

Stage 1: NT meets NF. NF is enamoured of NT, falls head over heels. NT is characteristically cautious, but interested. NFs are fun, after all.

Stage 2: NF appreciates and admires many characteristics of the NT and thus begins to behave more like an NT, perhaps even fooling the NT into thinking s/he is an NT. NT then relaxes, figuring s/he's with a kindred spirit, gets more comfortable with the relationship, starts acting like normal NT self, expecting to be understood.

Stage 3: NF feels NT cooling off and wonders what s/he is doing wrong. Tries to be more like NT to compensate. This doesn't feel right. NF gets needy and/or begins to consider is her/his duty to draw the NT out of her/his shell, encouraging the NT to express all those feelings buried deep inside. NT doesn't get it.

Stage 4: NT feels pressure from NFs emotional demands, needs distance to figure things out. (This might be only INTs. I'm not sure.) NF panics, becomes more needy. NT withdraws more...NF needs more...and so on and so on.

Stage 5: NF suddenly realizes that the reason things aren't working is that the NT is cold and unfeeling or not nurturing or some other horrible thing. Abandons NT without looking back. (This is especially likely with the NFPs.) NT is confused and (sometimes) relieved.

--

LOL! WTF! I was twice (or maybe more times, but I don't remember) in that equation... Found two NFPs very interesting. Then they became too interesting. They became...needy... They started to demand emotional reciprocation... I started to disappear...and suddenly.

I'M AN ASSHOLE!!! WOW!!!

Well, I still miss the two NFPs from time to time, but thinking about this death spiral, which curiously I have noticed both IRL and in fiction, I feel reluctant to start again. =/ Ah well.

Transformers Cartoon

The first episode made me laugh until I wanted to die.

The rest of the episodes was a freezing experience. I was trapped in the midst of wondering whether to laugh, to cry, or to roll my eyes to oblivion. (I'm on epi 5 I think...)

Autobots...why...oh...why...DO YOU NOT LEARN YOUR LESSONS!??!?!!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Why, oh why...ARE AUTOBOTS PERMANENTLY INFERIOR TO THE DECEPTICONS IN THE DEPARTMENT OF WEAPONRY!?!?!?!?!?!!?

I don't quite understand...why Mechatron keeps Starscream around him either!??!?!

And and, and why does...why doesn't...WHY DOESN'T OPTIMUS PRIME ACT ON HIS DISBELIEF!?! "I wish I could believe that." <-- HE SAID THAT TWICE...WITH REGARDS TO THE DECEPTICONS' "DEATH"!!! Scared of water cannot go underwater to find the Decepticons' crashed spaceship is it????

WHY??!!!

WHY??????????????????????????????????????????

HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHA!

Well, anyway, what cracked me up so bad in the first episode, was that ALL the freaking robots just took off to space without even ensuring their battery levels, and in the midst of zapping each other in space, they all said, "We're running low on energy levels!!!" Somehow, conserving energy has never been part of their master plan! And then they start gangster fights in the middle of the bloody fcking spaceship - and they all CRASH AND "DIE"!!!

I laughed for a good ten minutes...and I can't stand the way Megatron and Optimus Prime fights...I can't remember which episode but Optimus was cool for two minutes when he insulted Megatron, calling him old and saying that he should scrap old models of thinking. Haaahahaahahaha! AND THEN HE JUST HAS TO ROLL INTO THE WATERFALL... WTF!!!

But then, we realised that while Optimus Prime is a damn lousy CQC fighter, he is a goddamned powerful sniper. HAHAHA!

Very funny. I wonder how long it'd take me to finish Transformers (animated series).

Lesson learnt: The robots simply don't learn!!!

Asshole in the Hole

First, I must mention that wow, what a strange discovery! For some reason, my office has stopped blocking sites, and here I am. (I don't know when's the next massive blocking however.)

Now, I must mention this. I have been reading MGS Novel. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see if there were interesting fictions between Snake and Otacon from MGS, as friends, or beyond. (?!) But I came across this unholy site.

Ranting Mode Activated

Asshole: This is Asshole. Colonel Assbag, do you read me?
Assbag: I'm here, Asshole. Do you need help?
Asshole: How do I activate my Asshole Mode?
Assbag: That's easy. Asshole, you are already an Asshole. Did you see all your previous blog entries?
Asshole: Blog entries?
Assbag: Yes, those entries you wrote in the past on this blogger site that mocked every fucking dumb shit in the world. Well, not literally and exactly - they were mostly about games.
Asshole: Yeah, I remember those. What about them?
Assbag: First, you need to read, and then you will detect Stupidity. After successfully detecting it, pick out the Stupidity that bothers you most, and go through your Inventory of Insults. Then apply the Principle of Mockery and Sarcasm, and you will be in Asshole Mode.
Asshole: Got it.
Assbag: While it isn't common for the Codec helpline to ask, but Asshole, why do you want to activate the Asshole Mode? Did you come across a Sucker?
Asshole: Sucker?
Assbag: Do not answer my question with a question!
Asshole: See... I don't know if your idea of a Sucker and mine are the same.
Assbag: Oh. Is that why you keep repeating a random Noun in people's words?
Asshole: What?
Assbag: What do you mean what? And stop using questions to answer instead!
Asshole: No, see, I don't know why you're asking me that.
Assbag: Don't you know that everyone's making fun of you? Look, you asked me, "blog entries", and you asked me "sucker". These things are goddamned postulates, Asshole.
Asshole: Who's everyone? Why are they making fun of me? There are several goddamned entries. How do I know if you're talking about the ones where I was goddamned emo, goddamned insulting, or just goddamned throwing pansies around in a flower field?
Assbag: Fine. What about Sucker? Everybody knows what Sucker means!
Asshole: Have you seen Dictionary.com and how many definitions there are?
Assbag: Goddammit just use the popular definitions!
Asshole: You didn't answer my question. The problem lies in the precision of your language.
Assbag: Goddammit Asshole, they are postulates. Do I need to explain everything?
Asshole: Whatever, I don't have time for this shit. Anything else I need to know?
Assbag: You, are an Asshole. A dense one.
Asshole: ...That's intense.
Assbag: And a real jerk.
Asshole: One that knows sarcasm too. Want a piece of my Asshole Mode?
Assbag: *sighs dramatically* I'm signing off. Good luck pissing people off.
Asshole: Well thanks, I just did one in.

I am no elitist. I do not hate and discriminate people with a terrible lack of wit, nor do I hate people who like to speak the obvious and draw comparisons between a fucking game and goddamned reality.

(Here's a quote for you to see what the obvious are:

Can carry many things

One of Snake's most extraordinary qualities is the ability to carry roughly seventeen tons of equipment without any kind of convoy, backpack, or even a bulge in his pocket. Somehow, Snake manages to move unfatigued despite carrying an AK-47, 9MM Pistol, 20 Grenades, 30 Rations, A Giant Knife, 5 Sniper rifles, a Rail Gun, a 50 Caliber rifle, several types of Automatic Rifles, a truckload of ammo, a box big enough to fit a grown man, a oil drum, a camera, a robot, pornography, a microphone the size of a TV Camera, flashbangs, smoke grenades and several changes of clothes.

Need I tell you the obvious, that Final Fantasy VIII beats Solid Snake hands-down with a 18 pages x 11 Inventory List with a maximum count of 100 stocks for each Item, not to mention 16 GFs possessing 3 or 6 fucking players at any time, and 8 x 4 magic slots per toon? That they whip out their goddamned fucking weapons out of the blues? That they carry nothing even half as remotely useful as Snake's equipment, and hold on to something as pointless as a bloody pack of Zombie Powder, or a couple of Occult Magazines?

Oh wait... So you can compare a game to reality, and not a game to another game? So we're supposed to...compare apples to cakes instead of apples to oranges, right?

Actually, those aren't my main gripes. I can deal with a dull sense of humor no problem, but here lies an insult to an existing bunch of people...:

Possible deafness

Although Snake is responsive to loud noises, he asks lots of obvious questions, suggesting that he might have trouble with his hearing. During conversation, he will almost invariably repeat any Noun he hears in the form of a question. For example, if you were to tell Snake you live in California, Snake would reply, "California?!!". Perhaps the fifteen years he's spent firing loud automatic weapons have caught up to him.

If Snake ever tries to interrogate you at gunpoint, consider telling him your name is "Lord Marcus Thomas Randy Bowman-Schneider McFarland Thompson Randolph Lee Brady III". By the time he's repeating the "McFarland", you should be pretty far away.

Well, congratulations on picking up a pattern without understanding how the questioning patterns work. (Refer to above Asshole vs Assbag for references - hopefully your limited pattern recognition is able to pick up the actual nuances of how a Noun is selected, and not just any variable.) Oh, wait, you understood and you still mocked? Oh hey, no problem, I saw that coming a million miles ahead as you did too...

By the way, in the above crappy fucked up example of a mockery, Snake would NOT repeat McFarland. Here's a list of responses he's likely to give:

"What the hell was that?"
"Sorry, didn't catch that - can I just call you Brady III?"
"How do you even remember your name?"
"Where are you from? That obscure country that just picks any random word and adds it to their name to make it a burger as long as one in Subway?"
"That must have taken quite a bit of time to practice..."
"I'm glad my name's as ordinary as John Doe."
"Who came up with that?"

...the list goes on.

Solid Snake: Solid Snake (Solid Snake!?) is the protagonist (protagonist!?) and playable character (playable character!?) of MGS. He can carry massive firearms in his pockets (pockets!?), hits on every female character in the game (flirtation!?), and repeats nouns in the form of questions (Noun!?).

I'm calling discrimination on this one.

Well, whaddya know!

People like this actually exist!

And yours truly is one goddamned example!

Wow, I didn't know people called those who ask questions in the forms of...well, repeated "nouns" as deaf and dumb (as in, you know, stupid, just so we're on the same page and not go into semantics). Now I know why there are some people who act up on me just because I like to repeat what they say!

Here's a brief lesson for you people who have difficulty understanding this speech pattern.

IT'S CALLED THE NI SPEAK!!!

Assbag: What? "Ni Speak?"

Yes, Ni Speak. It's a goddamned fucking postulate. Why are you asking me? And by the way, if you don't have it, you won't get it - it's evident throughout this blog and you'll never pick it up if you never had it. Oh of course, unless you have shadow functions acting on your whim --

Assbag: What? Shadow functions?! What the hell are you talking about!?

Fucking postulates. Stop acting like the nerd you just condemned. Okay, because you have limited understanding and I'm not an Assbag like you (since I'm an Asshole), I will be nice and tell you what those noun repetitions actually mean, much as you'd like to pretend that you know how it works.

It's called highlighting keywords while attaching this request, "Please elaborate." (Even better if you can give "why", and hopefully the other 4 Ws and 1H if relevant, to prevent such pointless "pressing for more information" in the form of "noun repetition".)

Short, simple and succinct, but apparently ineffective against a bunch of people who would rather assume they know what a person means rather than get a correct interpretation of people's words. And these smart people apparently cannot even comprehend that this short, selective noun repetition is also packed with courtesy: it is also asking, "Do you have more to say?"

Assbag: Is that an insult? Dumb nuts who need everything explained to them. *rolls eyes and walks away*
Asshole: You don't walk away from a Codec. You turn off the transmission. It's too bad you were born with the knowledge of the universe.

It almost feels like Jedi power (no, I have never watched Star Wars...well, not that I remember; my Ni tells me that this term is used correctly) to understand Snake, how he talks and how he thinks, and not have to stoop and condescend to make a mockery out of someone who just acts, thinks and talks differently.

If this Asshole mode is upsetting, don't be upset. I'm just employing the same tactics that writer used, in the same satirical manner. D'you know what's the difference? Their words cut corners - mine just cut.

Ranting Mode Deactivated

And now for some crude, pointless epilogues.

Funny Facts

Funny Facts Generator

James Cameron wanted Ashin to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.



Don't you just loveee these things...

Giving the Bots Credit

Okay, okay. Guys. Or Internet zombies, whichever names you wanna be called. I know you guys are my fans, and highly intelligent. I mention "Malay" once--and suddenly you guys are speaking Malay to me.

But you know what?

I'm Chinese.

Theorizing the New Common Sense

Today, my dad was angered by a bunch of jaywalkers who emerged from in front of a bus, and he could have knocked into them. He said, "IT'S COMMON SENSE NOT TO DO THIS!"

Apparently, that is NOT the case, as proven by the jaywalkers!

Thus, I have formulated the new way to theorize common sense.

First, let us get a few things clear:

1) Common sense is, in a sense, cultural rules created by specific cultures. Common sense in Singapore (e.g. Queuing up for nothing) will obviously not work elsewhere.

2) Common sense is a general consensus among people and the consensus is based on wide acceptance, regardless of individual circumstance. It does NOT regard logic, rationality, and ironically, "common sense" of the logical realm.

3) As is common sense for the logical realm, common sense in accepted behavior is a majority > minority comparison.

The Empirical Bullshit Study of Jaywalking Beliefs

First, we need to first determine the number of people who support either or of the following two beliefs:
A) It is OKAY to jaywalk.
b) It is NOT OKAY to jaywalk.

The surprising study of 10,000 people shows that...LE GASP, most people believe that it IS okay to jaywalk! By the way, the ratio is 5001 > 4999.

Let us now move on to the next step of the study.

It is now established that it is indeed OKAY to jaywalk.

Now, the new choices:
A) You jaywalk.
B) You don't jaywalk.

LE GASP...MOST PEOPLE DON'T JAYWALK! (Out of the study of 5001, 2546 > 2455 DON'T jaywalk.)

There it is, your new common sense. Common sense is that it is OKAY to jaywalk, but most people don't do it despite the belief. Everybody understands this contradiction almost on a spiritual level on unspoken terms, and you are expected to say that you find jaywalking okay while you don't jaywalk.

Likewise, if you turn it around to the following premise:
A) It is NOT OKAY to jaywalk.
B) But you jaywalk.

THAT is the new common sense.

And this is how we understand reality. ;D

(Meanwhile, I shall proceed to not jaywalk and believe it is wrong to jaywalk, at the peril of moral crusaders telling me how I'm doing it all wrong. I shall now be called the nonconformist, with the knowledge that the next 4998 people are just like me, unique and nonconformist.)

Starhub Optic Fibre

First, Starhub's optic fibre plan blew me away for the last two days for two reasons:

1. On day one, my uncle spent fifteen minutes investigating how to get my com connected to it. (Somehow, ALL coms in my house can access except the main PC.) By some magical method, I randomly did some settings and woooh! I could use it.

2. On day two, Internet connection was down. AGAIN. So, Liz called Starhub. What amazed me was what they said that sounded like forces unseen at work: "Since the optic fibre is still new, the Internet is a bit unstable, so it will take a bit of time for it to stabilize. You might get DCs. (HUH? MY WORST NEMESIS MIGHT SPRING UP BEHIND MY ASS?) Don't worry, we're still channeling signal to your modem." Channeling? Did I hear wrongly? CHANNELING? Like, spirit medium CHANNELING SPIRIT? I did not know Internet signals were a matter of spiritual faith! (Let me, however, warn you that my memory can sometimes be extremely skewed, especially if it hasn't been through comprehension like this one obviously hasn't, so the word channeling...might not even have been said.) "We will get our technician to call you in the next 24hrs!"--nuh-uh, it;s been twenty-six hours madam.

And today, I didn't have to go through the last two days of trauma and Internet is not faulty. YAY! I hope I don't get DCs...ANYMORE. GOOD BYE TO DAYS OF POINTING AT MY MAXONLINE MODEM AND SCREAMING AT THE BLINKING "US" AND "ONLINE" LED LIGHTS! (This problem has been plaguing me for months I swear.)

This also proves that--Starhub's idea of a tangki (yes, I'm a responsible and educative blogger) EXISTS!

Singtel and Starhub. Did you notice something? Did you notice a similarity, a pattern? Yes... The initials are "S". Does it sound like something? Does it sound like something to you? Now how would you call two..."S"-es?

Oh this reminds me of the old wise saying that I came up with while writing about one character dissing two idiots: "Two half asses don't make one smart ass." By the way, I was about to complain that wisdom should have an adjective form called wisdomic--until I realise that that's what "wise" is for. Presenting to you, yours truly, who is not constructed by two homosapiens possessing only one half of the average human brain and is whole and complete--one dumb ass.

Oddly, I was in a bad mood when I started blogging, but the enthusiasm to unleash my urge to laugh at things (yes, screw the positive and wonderful notions of "laughing with"--we don't need Winnie the Pooh, sweestoroposis patient, to come and fill my life with unnecessary fluff and diabetes) has been, to say the least, therapeutic. I swear, evil runs in my blood.

Metal Gear Solid Novel

I RANDOMLY SWIPED IT OUT FROM A $5 SECTION DURING THE EXPO MPH WAREHOUSE SALE!!!

It was...

Liz: Help me find Robin Hobb books leh, shiny shiny cover one.
Me: *sweeping fingers along the surface of the books* eh? Look! MGS! *takes out*
Liz: . . . EH? MGS?
Me: EH? MGS?

LOL!

Omgggg one segment of my life has been made completeeee omgggg and the style of the writer is the type that I likeeee. No smoke bomb language, pertinent use of vocabulary and rather apt descriptions. I liketthhhhh.

On a side note...I was so bored waiting for Liz to be done that I ended up rearranging the books in the display cardboard boxes. Sooo many repeat titles, NONE arranged. (You can see Dan Brown: Angels and Demons from the first row to the last row man, seriously.) I didn't...literally arrange everything but ah~ very satisfying.

Ugh and I went to buy books right after going to the library...seriously...

Lol wtf man, I asked Liz to help buy a few shoujo manga, just because I felt like reading some romance. Heck I even borrowed romance novels! Now to get my ass down to read (note:laugh) them. Aihz.

This is messed up

Very angry at the moment, yes, but what the fuck, reading these two posts made me laugh.

Quote 1

I turn into an hourglass and start doing cartwheels in place.

Talking about the old representation of loading on the mouse after clicking something?

Quote 2

Yes, those sound more like constipation than thinking. Then again time on the porcelain throne is a good time to think I guess when constipated.

Wtf I used to call my toiletbowl the kingly throne. Hahahahaha.