blog deleted?

today i clicked on link VROOM~!

it doesnt exist.

i know i'm quite a plastic person when it comes to expression. most people dont even know if im sincere. because my face and my expression is just plain plastic. enough said. and i well know i've blurted so many wrong things in your presence even though i don't even mean what i say. i feel it, you know.

still.

wherever you are, whatever you are doing, i hope you're doing fine.

oops

i forgot what it is i wanted to blog about. i just remembered.

i'm literally older now, but i don't feel that anything has changed. i'm still pretty much the same, with the same old fears. yes, bugs, begone from the page of history if you will.

it's just, one day, i realise, i care about the same few people even though i don't want to talk to them. does that make any sense? i don't hate them, don't dislike them, do feel somewhat positive, but don't want to talk to them. there's some strange fear that's stuck in between.

and then there's that strange constipated feeling that stops me from deciding whether to be myself or be someone else. sometimes i act my way into feeling. most of the time i feel my way into acting. but because of the former, i start wondering, am i really whom i thought i knew? the people i didn't care and acted like i care, i started to really care. and that's something i fear. is it fake or is it real. i can't tell.

it's just, today, while texting a friend, i suddenly felt that same feeling some many years ago, the same feeling that i'm prepared to deal with it, should any friend come tell me, "get the fck out of my life." it had completely nothing to do with what i was texting. i feel like i'm always waiting for that moment, so everyday i prepare myself for it. why do i do that? i don't really know.

i can't stop bugging people, y'know, and that disturbs myself the most. i don't have anything to say but i just disturb. thank God that i have a sis for me to bug? :D||| i don't know why. i just feel happy doing that. but sometimes, right after, i feel sad. i don't know if i've been a nuisance.

i think i'm just tired. and my job situation is finally giving me a headache. my job is almost done. i can leave my job and handover pretty smoothly. and i know i made it happen; i know where my credit is due. despite that...i don't know where i'm going. and i think it's cuz of this comfort zone. mom wants me to convert to permanent. my colleagues think it makes things easier. but i know im going to just spend days there multitasking, doing the same thing everyday while taking the extra time off writing stories. which is no good. so another handful of people are asking me, why havent i left my job? i wish i knew.

i guess maybe, at the moment, i dont have the energy to make decisions.

...i'll decide once i really finish and clean up everything at my job. still some eyesore left behind. i'm seeing the finishing line. maybe i'll take a break, for a month or two. then i'll move on. i hope i get another weird job next year.

the girl with the dying messages

when i read that piece of news on newpaper (that my sis somehow decided to buy) i almost cried man. the photo of her pleasant face makes me wanna cry even more ): i mean, knowing you're gonna die you decide to leave something happy for the ones left behind. sigh i feel sad just talking about it.

it does inspire me to do similar things, but cuz i'm superstitious, i fear if i left my dying messages i'd really die soon D:

off to genting during 18-21 nov!

i am sick?

i never entertained the possibility that i might fall sick despite being the most prone to sickness within my vicinity. but i guess i still do. and now i'm online only cuz my dad wants to print email. -.-

so as it turns out, i couldn't get off the freaking floor due to giddiness. in the end my colleague sent me home via his car. sigh. sometimes i think my illness management is pretty screwed. lol 8D when things like this happened in sec school (quite frequently), i tended not to care how i appeared.. i just lay on the floor. wow. talk about pixelated vision. colour was pretty screwy like a 20yr old tv and i didn't quite comprehend what was going on in front of me. man. if i wanted to faint, could i at least completely faint so that people around me have no choice but to carry me or bring me or on a stretcher?? and not half ass faint like a half spoilt tv???

so yeah, because of this strange crap today, i got the chance to go to the bank before it closes. yessss. i got my GO! card. apparently it's a free debit card from posb that you can get as long as you exchange your current nets card for it. and it's under mastercard so you supposedly can do online purchases. once i get my iBanking up, i'm off to settling paypal... and buying Gold for *censored*!! 8DDD man. i was so technologically retarded such that even the most unlikely people had set up such complicated transaction processes and i'm still digging around "how you set up link between bank and paypal?" yah. so i guess necessities (..erh, whatever) force you to change and learn if you have to eh?

and if you ask me, "you're paying to play?" ah yes, i am. ♥ holy crap i found out the keys for hearts! ♥ i used to pay to play RO. i wonder what happened to my thief Yugo. i remember i had another thief or merchant or what but i forgot their names. i never reached assassin... grinding became too painful for me and i was too lazy to get someone to make my Yugo bot. D8 but by the time i was playing Yugo thief, i was already on some RO that was free...? i think? ahh whatever.

i don't know what RO is like now, but paying to play *censored* makes far more sense than that RO i played years ago. no real quests--pure grinding. the only attraction was the idea of reincarnating and resetting your character, only with highly increased basic stats that makes your character godly during re-levelling. but to grind to that stage? spare me man, i could use the time to write a complete Phoenix Wright fanfiction, of which i am currently working on 8D

now what should i do with the rest of my life? oh well. i'm gonna resign pretty soon, although i know very well there is a high chance of switching to perm. well, i kinda don't want to stick around a workplace feeling like a routine robot just to OT and get some 2k+ pay which makes completely no sense. it's like getting paid to become stupid, y'know? at the same time, the chances of getting a job that allows you to learn on your own pace and doesn't disturb you too much isn't readily available i suppose. ahhh. whatever. when it comes, it comes.

shall dig around soon. i hope 2010 is a decidedly different year. i hope i can humble myself further. a part of me still holds certain opinions strongly and it's not going to help me in the long run, especially when i run over others with these opinions of mine. subjects about life is seldom something you can contain your 'passion' about. it could get so intense you'd wanna chup other people's lives--but why bother if you can't manage your own? as they say, there isn't a bigger enemy than yourself.

so whoever they are, i should get off the com soon. once liz is back, i shall get her to do *censored* for me! 8D

it's impossible to clean my email

my yahoo mail is practically flooded with junk. i like to send myself email attachments but i never download or look or name my files properly. sai lahhh. how?? but i dun wanna delete!!! i think i will take an entire free month just to finish sorting. good gawd.

on a side note, after reading a few msn conversations that i saved, i finally realise...

1. i did get angry very easily OoO
2. i sounded like i was on a constant bushuang mood (joking or not i sounded like that)
3. i didn't sound half assed much like a female

wow. i feel very uncomfortable with the knowledge that i was such an easily agitated being. wowww i'm so glad i cut away at least 80% of the things that agitate me easily. it has reduced so significantly! i feel like a new leaf!

that aside, i don't know why i was so easily angry sia. so weird. it almost seemed like my personality was different! hmm. i was very inflexible and i tended to focus on only one direction. in fact i came to a very quick decision of what i didn't want. and i seldom entertained possibilities OoO

omg looking back it must have been a real pain in the ass to talk to me!

on the other hand, the one consistency that remains is that i don't really like people trying to confirm whether i'm angry or not, and even more so if they don't take my word for it when i say not really. hahaha. it's just a quirk.

sigh. i really don't like the way i handled stuff in the past. no wonder my mother said i was an extremist. i wonder what changed the way i handle things? i guess i must've banged into walls far too frequently until it occurred to me i was being masochistic?

i don't feel so terrible about the things that happened to me. i feel far worse realising i was the problem. it just..it suddenly feels like i can understand why so many take it out on other people simply because they are too ashamed of their own being, whether they realise it or not. i don't accept their actions, but i guess the least bit i can do is just to understand them, even if i am angry with them.

...it's time like this that fills me with so much regret.

how? should i just close one eye and ignore everything that's happened and move on? or should i go on prying into my past written stuff and accept all that's happened? the latter makes me feel horrible. how??

oh and btw, the stuff happened for quite some time liao. maybe starting from 2003, and ended only some time one or two years back, i think.

i love puzzle quest!

so i did a random search.

AHHHH it had a ps2 version in year 2007 and i missed it!!! i am so sad!!!!

but at the same time i found it has a DS and a WII version!!! 8DDD

i'm not sure about DS since there are people complaining that the game has poor controls due to poor size compared to psp and the AI is as lame as it can get, but WII? i believe it will be there long enough for me to get! 8D shall read reviews in the future.

it was rated 8.5 on gamespot! which is good 8D

that reminds me. final fantasy series tends to get a minimum of 9.0. i think it was 9.7 for ff7 and 9.8 for ff8. not sure lah. but what i so totally agree with is 10.0 for chrono cross 8D ohhh loves.

i still haven't managed to pull myself through chrono trigger. i never thought i'd be beaten by games with far too old gameplay and graphics. i've tried ff5 and ff6 (or at least i think those were the series) but i couldn't take it. too inflexible and too boring. UGH i never thought i'd lose to these games!!

i think ps1 generation of RPGs were really wonderful though. i hope future game producers don't forget the plot twists and 'common sense'-based gameplay are what makes a game the gem it is. i wouldn't mind repeating playing 10 chrono crosses and 10 xenogears and 10 ... anyway please don't repeat xenogears disc 2...it was horrible. the WORST! sometimes i suspect disc 2 was written by a completely new writer cuz the former writer kena H1N1 or something. (do not question the logic of this. end of story.)

ok, now that i have Wild Arms in my psp, i have a new game to test ! YAY!

i want my ace prosecutor!

where is the friggin translation!? QUICK! i have waited for 4 mths!

meantime, i just completed my Fuushi Yuugi dating game, which wasn't a dating game after all. and of all characters i got, i only got Takiko as my closest friend. i wanted takumi. THAT'S IT! i'm going to come in between Uruki and Takiko and be the bad girl in the game that i should be!!! well it took me only three days to finish one storyline.. what the hell. it's just a friggin promotional game for the manga itself man!!

and i'm about done with mga 1 & 2... i've replayed them so many times that i don't get a kick out of them anymore. i want an mga3--interface of mga1, flexibility of mga2, and storyline of mgs 8D but it doesn't exist. emoness.

waiting for a new mgs game on psp! i dunno if it's out, and i haven't bothered to check.

i am currently downloading a dragon ball game on ds lite. it's called Origins. dl-ed both jap and eng for shuang. i wonder how it'll turn out. people say it's nice...i wonder if it's nicer than kh 328/2 days or something like that? i played it and felt that it was some kind of dry grinding game. well, it is lah. disappointtttment.

and i'm trying to get my hands on wild arms. apparently it is one of the only decent SPRGs on psp. i went to google for SRPGs on psp. sadly i have 60% of the games. are they the only good games on psP??? ...

i don't know if i should get field commander.. i saw the interface and i'm quite confused. yaddaaaa.

i can't believe someone recommended riviera or something like that. last i remember, it's a crap game.

ahhhghhh game dryness. to think mga1 and mga2 are now considered the top 5 games and i'm already through with them. noooo. no ness. nooo!

you'd think dissidia is nice. i played it. and realise it's just a fan series game. it's tragic. it was hyped. gan. but i'm getting the eng ver to try out anyway lah. last i tried was jap.

when are they going to create an SPRG for dragon ball? or is there already one? i want a solid storyline one man! best is it contains all the way from origins to Z end! i dun want GT though. yeah i'm a fan of dragon ball but GT is like some fanfiction gone "epic-ly" wrong. i like budokai but it's on ps2.

i want a puzzle quest sequel.

ok, enough game ramblings. time to eat and fight wooh!