i forgot what it is i wanted to blog about. i just remembered.
i'm literally older now, but i don't feel that anything has changed. i'm still pretty much the same, with the same old fears. yes, bugs, begone from the page of history if you will.
it's just, one day, i realise, i care about the same few people even though i don't want to talk to them. does that make any sense? i don't hate them, don't dislike them, do feel somewhat positive, but don't want to talk to them. there's some strange fear that's stuck in between.
and then there's that strange constipated feeling that stops me from deciding whether to be myself or be someone else. sometimes i act my way into feeling. most of the time i feel my way into acting. but because of the former, i start wondering, am i really whom i thought i knew? the people i didn't care and acted like i care, i started to really care. and that's something i fear. is it fake or is it real. i can't tell.
it's just, today, while texting a friend, i suddenly felt that same feeling some many years ago, the same feeling that i'm prepared to deal with it, should any friend come tell me, "get the fck out of my life." it had completely nothing to do with what i was texting. i feel like i'm always waiting for that moment, so everyday i prepare myself for it. why do i do that? i don't really know.
i can't stop bugging people, y'know, and that disturbs myself the most. i don't have anything to say but i just disturb. thank God that i have a sis for me to bug? :D||| i don't know why. i just feel happy doing that. but sometimes, right after, i feel sad. i don't know if i've been a nuisance.
i think i'm just tired. and my job situation is finally giving me a headache. my job is almost done. i can leave my job and handover pretty smoothly. and i know i made it happen; i know where my credit is due. despite that...i don't know where i'm going. and i think it's cuz of this comfort zone. mom wants me to convert to permanent. my colleagues think it makes things easier. but i know im going to just spend days there multitasking, doing the same thing everyday while taking the extra time off writing stories. which is no good. so another handful of people are asking me, why havent i left my job? i wish i knew.
i guess maybe, at the moment, i dont have the energy to make decisions.
...i'll decide once i really finish and clean up everything at my job. still some eyesore left behind. i'm seeing the finishing line. maybe i'll take a break, for a month or two. then i'll move on. i hope i get another weird job next year.
