in a blink of an eye, 5 days have passed since my previous post--and i kept deluding myself that i posted "only two days ago". LOL!
before i get to the subject of "My Dream", here's a sidetrack. today, lh, zh (zhi hao) and mn came to my house in the afternoon. talk kok talk kok, mahjong mahjong, and an early dinner...and...change shift!! wj came, and muchhhh later, hz came. wooot! arghh if all stay later, can watch Yamada Taro together and look at some mighty disturbing photos from wj!!!
so, here are my willful requests for subsequent gatherings...
1) MORE MAHJONG!!
2) Watch Yamada Taro together!!!
3) More photos!! (???)
4) Hmm, anything else? Maybe sit at the sea side together and just laze around???
5) Go play basketball at Arcade!
6) Badminton! :D
:D ok, now on with my dream. can get a bit serious, yeah?
i had been thinking for weeks, that what it is i really want to achieve.
one of my dreams is to become like my uncle--the strange business owner who does his business by sitting in front of the TV and catching taiwanese all day while thousands of dollars flows into his bank account. if you wanna know what he works as, he takes orders for badges and nametags. he does plaques too. if you want to make badges, please call me or email to david@badgeworld.biz . if it does not work, then i must have gotten it wrong. HAHHAHAHA
another dream is to get a job where i am a shadow mastermind. you know like, the millionaire who's super rich, but you'd never actually see this person in...well, person. it's like "wah! The Anything Inc! heard it makes trillions in a month but nobody knows who's the boss!" you know, that type? LOL.
another dream is to be the super poor writer who is quite pathetically doing some job that cannot sustain more than a person per month but is spiritually happy with writing stories.
another dream is to use my chinese name and make a big hit as a singer who sounds like a gay man and has a ridiculous name and has even more ridiculous personalities.
another dream is to trade goods. but i don't know what it means.
another dream is to be a 'mercenary' who takes 'errands' and earns 'money' per job. refer to Final Fantasy Tactics' Missions/Errands for reference. (i really dig this idea about accepting a one time job and getting paid for it. it's so, so, sooo cool.)
another dream is to be the retired pugilist hahaha. you know the type that lives up the mountain in a shack and acts like a retard but really is the Legendary One Man Army Who Has Slain A Thousand In A Slice? yep, something of that nature. i dig that mysterious air with a rich past that's either damn emo, plain funny or just comically ridiculous.
i think as a kid i dreamt of being a detective. my idol was sherlock holmes but i have never read about him, saw his face and even remotely saw anything relating to Sherlock Holmes other than the fact that he's supposedly famous and smart. but after playing Murderer with poker cards, i decided that as a detective, i'm pretty successful at finding the murderer--by method of elimination. eliminate who? innocent people. =__=
i have tons of dreams. and to those who know me, i am extremely flippant with my ideas. i mean, really extremely flippant. so flippant i annoy those around me. i think Liz must've gotten used to my flippant ideas by now--she never fails to seem interested in listening to my ideas but must really be thinking 'nah she can't be serious. she's more serious about dancing around and threatening to fart than some idea about business.'
while working as a temp staff and working my ass off daily dealing with the number of mistakes i make, i kept thinking about the life i wanna lead. btw talking about mistakes, i think i have a talent for making every mistake possible. although it wasn't entirely my fault, i caused the rejection of some 600+ bills, made a big hoo haa within the accounts department regarding my department's billing because i messed up the reference numbers big time (even i am lost), sent a lot of 'trax' to bill the consignee only to realise i was doing trax wrongly after sending hundreds of them... well, those are the major ones. the minor ones include mass sending everyone emails that make no sense, not sending emails that matter, using wrong colour ink pads, ... i don't remember the rest but i'm sure there's more. :D the mistakes are so many and so ridiculous, even i felt so amazed i forcefully optimistically thought, "i have a talent to step on landmines! i'm sure no one can beat the way i make non common sensical mistakes! i think i'm understanding myself better!"
to be honest i got quite demoralised after 2 months or so of screwing up when the mistakes started to chase me around like ghosts. i started to wonder if there was something seriously wrong about me. prior to this, i was in a job where i could not make a true assessment of my abilities. i sincerely believed i was a fast learner (of the basics) and that the more i got myself 'in the action', the faster i picked things up. part of that is true; i pick up certain things pretty fast (it's really just application of past similiar experiences and nothing to do with learning something new). but a large part of it...is
NOT true!! cuz if i learnt so much, why was i make all sorts of strange mistakes???
i don't know if this is good news, but i kinda realise that the way i detest most, but seems to be the only way, that i learn is to crash head on, and literally learn from my mistakes. ugh. it's a bit unnerving when people question your every action and you realise you've made mistakes out of things normally people wouldn't. and it's pretty unnerving when your initiative causes embarrassment, or when your initiative screws things up further.
do you think it's a good thing? i don't know if it is. there are people who would think that making as many mistakes as you can is good cuz you will learn... you know the mother of success is failure or something like that? however there are people who believe that success is a repeated experience--a successful person is someone who replicates past successes and continues the ladder up. and there are those who are so paralysed by the idea of making mistakes that they literally go nowhere.
does this have anything to do with my dream??? NO! HAHAAA I JUST SUCCESSFULLY WASTED YOUR TIME
anyways, this whole study of making mistakes relates slightly to a discovery of my dream... first off, i finally faced up to the truth that i don't handle fame very well. i thought about it a lot. and i really don't like being the center of attention, especially if i won't be left alone. (that's provided i made it to be a bigshot in the first place LOL) i am completely fine with singing on stage to a large audience (surprisingly. i really thought i'm the type to freak out on the stage but i don't, actually.), but i don't like to have to live up to continued expectations of having to perform again etc.
next off, i am happy, so long as i am given the space to continue making my mistakes--because that's almost the only way i learn. it's tough having to put up a strong front and arguing that making mistakes is all right, especially when you're the perpetrator, but oh well, what to do? can't cry when you make mistakes can you? and after i learn, i'm quite glad to give back the opportunity i was given to learn by designing a process that makes sense to the area i'm working in.
put together what i've said, i kinda like the following keywords...
-secluded
-guest
-shadow
-voluntary
-mistakes allowed
-undisturbed
-inspired
-easygoing
-learning
-desigining/re-designing/planning the process
something like that. but there is something that i feel really isn't my kinda of thing...and strangely, it's 'maintenance'. = _= i feel very attracted to the whole idea of designing processes. and the main reason is cuz once i design the process, i can hand the process over to someone else so i don't have to continue doing something repetitive...and something just about anyone who learns the designed process can do.
i thought about this whole thing while i'm working as a data entry clerk (with a lot of strange added responsibilities which i may have pulled upon myself). i never thought i'd get anything out of the job except money. i thought the job was easy until all the mistakes i made started haunting me. hahahaha.
i've never really felt so much at peace before i learnt the values that make me tick. i had thought that maybe i want to be famous. but actually, i don't. i thought i wanted to be rich. actually, i want to. LOL. but i don't want to just make money. i want to be happy while i'm at it. it makes very little sense to be sad while you force yourself to make money, while thinking that having lots of money will make you happy... but i must emphasize. not having money makes me super emo. (i realised that. i enjoy holding myself back from spending from the sheer idea of saving a few more dollars in my bank account.)
on an additional note, i'd thought i want to be a psychologist. but i finally faced the fact that i don't love/care people as directly as i thought i do. it's true--i am strangely insensitive to people's feelings. but i want my actions, direct or indirect, to make people happy. i want to see people happy. that much will always remain true. i don't know if that counts as concern for others, but i shan't complicate it any further. haha. i may be insensitive to others' feelings but it does not equate to being indifferent, ok! :)
so, my dream? i want to be a detective, a Master Who Lives Up the Mountain With The Legend Of Butt-Smashing Techniques, and a secret pugilist. oh, i like mercenary too.
