Reform of Thoughts

Recently, I've had a lot of downtime. Not as in having spare time, but being down and being unproductive. And it is a lot - about five months.

If I were to trace back what happened, TBH, I can't, and don't know where it started. Perhaps it was an accumulation of a lot of thoughts. It is quite disturbing how the subconscious, or the unconscious, mind can work against you in the long run without your realization, and the next thing you know, you're suddenly plagued by a nagging sense of self doubt, an unstoppable stream of paranoid thoughts and, who knows what else there is in this dark cloud worth of headache inducing obsessions. I do wonder if it's genetic, since I can observe some patterns among some relatives, or maybe the problem is more common in society than I thought.

I've definitely been at this stage before, some time in my life a few years ago, and it's so scarily familiar that I really don't want things to repeat themselves again. And now the trouble is remembering how I tackled with it at that point in time. It's almost an automatic ritual, everyday, to ruminate and think about what could have been instead of what can be.

Now, there are tons of things I need to do to fix this life of mine, and I really don't know how long I can sustain before I fall back into this chain of self destructive pattern that, really, isn't doing much but to incur imaginary external judgments and above all, harsh and critical self judgment. It's odd that I keep sabotaging myself, know it's happening intellectually, but can't work my way out of this.

I can't say it was particularly comfortable reading about esteem articles and knowing now that I don't understand the steps needed to be taken to improve on esteem, and thus have never really worked on it. What doesn't help is that I have viewed myself as a rusty machine about to expire soon (how soon is soon?) for a long time now.

The astounding amount of things I need to fix is getting longer and longer, and now, I need to start, from finishing my work, sorting my room, to my harddisk, to my lifestyle and finally to the many open-ended thoughts drifting about. It's a daunting task.

And right now, I desperately need to remember that the one who can change my life is me, and me alone, a thought that sometimes disturbs me, but at other times, brings a lot of comfort.