A type of silence

I know, I should be sleeping. My com is dl-ing TF2 at the moment, and I just came back from bathing.

Just...a thought. A type of silence. The kind that is the worst. The kind that compels the mind to fill the gap with strange noises. Strange irrational noises. I didn't know whom I was doubting, but at the root of it, it's me I doubt the most.

It's been a lifetime now, that I feel like I'm watching my life from another lens. I'm watching myself read these words, type these things, and I do doubt if I'm really sitting here and saying things. It's quite creepy, that I started to want to move the lens around, and see the...box. The whole thing, the different angles at which to view an event. And I'm terrified, when the limit is reached. There's an angle I can't see, and I do not know why.

It's much like the...you know, feeling? That kidnappers capture you, put you in a room, interrogate you, and then show you the fate of your family in a video. It's real to you, the video, but you know it's recorded, and there are things beyond the video you can't see--and you have no access to them. That's the feeling that I have. It's hard to describe.

Or living as an invisible person, that somehow you're in a parallel dimension, with words unspoken and concern undelivered, because you haven't figured out how to get it out there.

If I knew how to show concern without scaring everyone away, perhaps my life would be a fragment more complete. And this is another type of silence that's just as bad... So bad I'd rather shove it all into a box and lock it away, out of reach forever.