Why I hate Winnie the Pooh

Yesterday during lunch, I had the most agitated conversation with Liz. For some funny reason, I recalled Winnie the Pooh.

Now, I do not wish to be crude, but what the hell is Pooh? Shouldn't he be the equivalent to the obvious pun of Pooh?

Having said that, I am not violently against fans of Winnie. I don't know who likes this yellow dirt bag, but the one fan I remember most is this guy from my secondary school class. He was tall, maybe about 178~183cm. I might have had the wrong impression since he was round; his body shape was a ( ) shape. He wore his pants so friggin' high up, it might have been hanging beneath his chest. He was an ace History student. But he was socially awkward and he had this permanent air of arrogance.

So one fine day, our English teacher who was still supposedly sane at that time, wanted us to present our favourite -something-. I'm not sure what the -something- was. But it resulted in this particular guy presenting...

"My favourite cartoon character is Winnie the Pooh."

And the rest of his presentation was a surreal experience.

I think the whole class was watching him with dumb expressions--not dumbfounded...literally dumb. This guy who couldn't exactly fit into the frame of the class actually had a thing for yellow bears. I don't remember what he said about Winnie the Pooh, but that presentation effectively overwrote whatever impressions of him I had previously and I immediately replaced it with the arrogant rich boy who had a thing for yellow pigs in disguise. Who cares whether he tops History when he likes yellow...yeah, dirt bags.

Now, I shall say the most irritating thing--everything I said above is besides the point. I am now going to present to you my reasons for hating this piece of yellow bag of crap.

But I must admit, I have never really watched cartoons relating to this bear. I probably watched no more than three episodes before deciding that he's an effective IQ lowerer, and I already don't have much to begin with. I could suffer brain damage before I even had a healthy one.

My only exposure therefore of this abominable existent is...well whaddya know, it's Kingdom Hearts!!!

So, in Kingdom Hearts, this yellow monster makes his appearance as a single-tracked mind sprite, whose programming filter in his head contained just only one condition: Honey.

Wow, this guy's filter works wonders.

The only thing, and only one holy thing, stickied in his head, is only friggin' honey. If I'm not wrong, every single quest pertaining to him is only about...honey.

Never mind that he eats honey, drinks honey, pees honey, craps honey and even farts honey.

The one thing I absolutely hate is his trespassing of private property...to eat honey. HELLO DUDE! Don't open people's fridges without even asking?? It's bad manners!!! YES! THIS IS THE THING THAT IRRITATES THE HELL OUT OF ME! HELLO!!! That withering rabbit whose name is unknown to me did so much bloody work to collect all the honey and, I don't know, maybe store for winter. AND THIS...this SAD excuse of a fcking cute bear PLUNGED his sorry ass through the rear window and landed in a--wooh!!! heavenly!!!-pile of honey and started digging in, with absolutely NO regard for the poor rabbit's feelings and efforts. Wow, he could at least say a "kuchisousama deshita~" before farting his honey and leave, but NO...he says, "I want more honey~ Where can I get more honey~" FCK YOU!

Excuse me dear sir, or dear gay, whichever category you want to be deemed in, do you realize what's really going on? Do you want to know the real reason you're yellow? Hear this, it concerns your life potency.

You are suffering from Sweetstoroposis, a term for honey poisoning.

LOOK at you! You're entirely yellow, you're round, your ass is so big you get stuck at the rabbit's rear window, you...I DON'T KNOW! You reek of rotting and sickly sweet yellow GOO! And you realize something? Your thinking capacity is as good as 1+1=1, where the common denominator that you can see is only "1". You know why? The honey glued your brain cells altogether, making you a mono track thinking species. Does he even think?

Why did he even bother wearing red shirt?? I think a honey comb T-shirt suits him more!

I guess people like wiping his ass cuz it smells like honey!

All right. There you have it, my reasons for hating this detestable creature. I'm going to state this for the record...this is purely personal opinion. I respect completely that there are others who like this butt bag.

Now, allow me to counter respond to all the possible protests about how this Sweetstoroposis patient can actually be liked.

Myth 1: He looks cute!
No he doesn't. :D looks way cuter than his sorry honey smelling ass. I know a whole bunch of other huggables and squishables than this disease carrying lump of meat. Are you sure it isn't a bunch of cotton stuck inside his honey striken body?

Myth 2: He cares for his friends!
Yeah, I'll give you that--he's a friggin' opportunist. He completely has no concept of boundaries. WHAT do you call the act of smashing into people's house to eat HONEY? What, honey crimes smell sweet and thus should be forgiven? NO! Don't be fooled... This guy makes friends with you to eat YOUR honey!

Myth 3: He's erh...he doesn't have a temper!
BS. He's passive aggressive. The only reason he isn't throwing a temper anywhere at all is cuz he's usually in the wrong. Now...tell me a person who dares to throw his temper around when he can use emotional blackmail to make ALL his friends forgive him for eating their honey by acting brainless.

Myth 4: STOP! There is absolutely nothing else that can redeem this abysmally hopeless creature. So there isn't ANYTHING at all after point 3...Just admit it.

I don't care if I got anything wrong about this sickly jar of honey. My hatred for him burns as fiercely as the Sun.

...Wow that was intense.

...I guess I'll be doing some wiki-ing and Googling for Sweestoropork to see whether he is redeemable. I'll let you know after this.