rambles from an obsolete

i kinda forgot i have a bad mood blog. at the moment, i think i'm bordering more on the bad mood side. first, i don't think i can finish my quick play through of mgs2 once more before i go Genting tml night. second, i'm hungry but my mother's bathing, so my stomach acids are exacting vengeance within me now. third, i wanna bathe but i realise i need to wash hair (=more time wasted). fourth, i wanna bring my laptop to genting, so i'm panicking over what to put in my laptop before i zoom off. fifth, that means my luggage is gonna be heavy. and sixth...two nights ago i dreamt of wanting to leave a gathering because the feeling of being an extra was so bloody strong. hmm. i think the last point seems to fall not so in place with the previous bad mood points.

oh, speaking of dreams, last night i dreamt that swj ordered me to buy lunch and have it delivered to his house (what nerve...# he still owes me lunch). and when i ask which house (did i just say, which house?), he said his own house. and when i ask how come he got his own house, suddenly a bunch of band members (whom i really dunno who they are) said, "he's living with his girlfriend!!" and when i asked where, they proudly announced, "blk 254!!!" and swj's face turned back. LOL. then i dunno why i was watching clips on his psp and i saw a person doing body check on snake of mgs2. wtf?

k. rambles of an obsolete. y'know, i've been in a not so good mood since the syf. i couldn't figure out why. it took me about two days to finally figure out why.

it's just this feeling i can't shake, that finally, i'm like an obsolete piece of the past. it's this realisation that i've attended 5 syf sessions. that's about 9yrs you know -.-||| ok, not counting my pri school one lah. the first was in 2001, followed by 03, 05, 07 and finally 09. in 01, i still remember going home straight after syf, expecting to hear that we've got Gold. well, a friend did call to say that rather excitedly, but me being an arrogant ass at that time felt that it was pretty much within expectation. but in 03, it was the reverse. i was expecting a silver and i stayed back to hear the results. man i think i was drowning in my tears. then in 05, i listened to mn and friends (??? barney and friends?) play. the week i went to hear them play, i honestly felt they might not be ready for SYF and although i claimed i wasn't not really bothered, i was. hahaha. can you believe it? i wept right after their performance, out of relief. that was kinda anti-climax; so when the results came in, it wasn't that surprising.

07 came and i wonder why i went to watch anyway. then it felt like a whole new band; 3 guys from the whole band cried over the results--everyone else simply froze. if i'm not wrong, the 3 emo guys were all from flute. LOL.

then now 09 comes and i realise, i hadn't attended a single practice of the main band. i didn't even know what the choice and set pieces sounded like (or were, actually). in 07, i listened to them one week before syf, so more or less i knew how they were doing. but not this year.

in 01, i was determined to win. in 03, i felt it was a pretty special syf cuz there was hz, lh and mn with me, instead of xh and mc. it's damn different; i used to follow, but the pressure has changed and i had to lead. i think we gave ourselves some pep talk? i don't know, don't remember, but given the way we were, i bet we did. and after performance, we were worried sick cuz we knew we played silver quality.

in 05, i think i made some attempts to go back and 'help'. i don't think i really helped much. i could still play the flute, but i claimed that my ears were failing. still, i went back anyway. things were beginning to seem different at that time.

but by 07, i think things had changed so fast, i was beginning to wonder what i was going back for. until now i still don't quite understand why. i might just be back to meet the alumni, and am curious what our next generation is like, i don't know. and by then, i was so out of practice that i felt i wasn't qualified to say anything anymore.

and now it's 09. i feel like there's nothing i can contribute to hscband anymore.

after all, the old ideas are dead. haven't you noticed, that old people seem to talk about the past fondly, and seem to want to pass down their 'legacies', which may or may not be valid anymore? i don't know. has it really changed so much? i don't know.

i'm not sure about the rest, but the more i feel that i've been sticking too much to the past, the more i feel like an obsolete being.



all the same, i wish hscband the best. and i hope to see a concert soon.