my ass

warning: crudity involved.

today i will talk about an anatomical part--my ass.
this inspiration began with a conversation i had with liz last night, and the harassment sms i sent to her this morning.

Me: i'm hungry. *playing psp*
Liz: ...then go and get food lah, moron.
Me: i'm so hungry i can't move... i'm gonna die. i refuse to move. i want you to make food for me.
Liz: you're asking a person who's going to sleep to prepare food for you. you ass.
Me: ...remember this... i died of hunger because of you...
Liz: you're still alive and kicking. now will you just shut up and let me sleep.
Me: i'm hungry... ...
Liz: *grabs famous amos and throws it right at me*
Me: *sits down on bed* OH MY GAWD i just sat on famous amos!! it has just become famous anus!!
Liz: HAHAHA ok let me sleep.

this morning, i sms-ed her.

Me: 我好累... 饿死我了... 噢买锅... Zzz.
(receives no reply)
Me: 救命啊!!! 救命啊!!! 累!!! Zzz!!!
Liz: U numbskull get up and get food lah, lazy ass
Me: Oh God!!! My ass is dead!!! ... 哈骗你的!!! 外面装修吵死了. Nooooo.

(the rest of the convo i decided is too explicit to put so i shall omit it)

this reminds me. i have an all destructive ass and foot. ignoring the fact that sometimes my stomach doesn't contain the nicest smelling foods, i have "an ass that crushes anything under my ass" (i said this to Liz and it sounded ridiculously redundant). just two days ago, i got the shock of my life sitting my ass down on my bed when i felt a sharp object--which happened to be my tissue box. it was mercilessly crushed. poor looney tunes box, a looney just sat on them. i dare you to use the tissues. and i have broken my pencils by sitting on them too. the sound was so crunchy it crunched my heart listening to it. and my foot has broken all sorts of things, including Liz' specs, and it broke my toe nail too (i kicked my foot right into a nail driven into the floor).

i have a hazardous walking style. i am always crashing into my door, the corner of my table or just slamming half my body into the wall. (it has gone from my foot to my arse to my body. what next? camel hills?)

quite out of topic and out of curiosity, i went to take my 3 measurements. i was quite sure my top would be like maybe 20 inch. ok not so skinny but well. then this turns out to be my measurements:
31" / 25" / 34"
here's my reaction:
"Oh my?? the top is actually 31inch??? wow." so i take back the statement in my previous post that if i lifted my shirt you would've mistaken me for a man--i add that you would mistake me for a fat man with lumpy fats on top.
"25inch? i am fatter than most people think i bet!!"
"ERH. that's damn big. i think i have the size of my mother's arse."

oh God, please pardon me while i barf at my results.

now you're one step closer to understanding me. congratulations.