First, I must mention that wow, what a strange discovery! For some reason, my office has stopped blocking sites, and here I am. (I don't know when's the next massive blocking however.)
Now, I must mention this. I have been reading MGS Novel. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see if there were interesting fictions between Snake and Otacon from MGS, as friends, or beyond. (?!) But I came across this
unholy site.
Ranting Mode ActivatedAsshole: This is Asshole. Colonel Assbag, do you read me?
Assbag: I'm here, Asshole. Do you need help?
Asshole: How do I activate my Asshole Mode?
Assbag: That's easy. Asshole, you
are already an Asshole. Did you see all your previous blog entries?
Asshole: Blog entries?
Assbag: Yes, those entries you wrote in the past on this blogger site that mocked every fucking dumb shit in the world. Well, not literally and exactly - they were mostly about games.
Asshole: Yeah, I remember those. What about them?
Assbag: First, you need to read, and then you will detect
Stupidity. After successfully detecting it, pick out the Stupidity that bothers you most, and go through your Inventory of Insults. Then apply the Principle of Mockery and Sarcasm, and you will be in Asshole Mode.
Asshole: Got it.
Assbag: While it isn't common for the Codec helpline to ask, but Asshole, why do you want to activate the Asshole Mode? Did you come across a Sucker?
Asshole: Sucker?
Assbag: Do not answer my question with a question!
Asshole: See... I don't know if your idea of a Sucker and mine are the same.
Assbag: Oh. Is that why you keep repeating a random Noun in people's words?
Asshole: What?
Assbag: What do you mean what? And stop using questions to answer instead!
Asshole: No, see, I don't know why you're asking me that.
Assbag: Don't you know that
everyone's making fun of you? Look, you asked me, "blog entries", and you asked me "sucker". These things are goddamned postulates, Asshole.
Asshole: Who's everyone? Why are they making fun of me? There are several goddamned entries. How do I know if you're talking about the ones where I was goddamned emo, goddamned insulting, or just goddamned throwing pansies around in a flower field?
Assbag: Fine. What about Sucker? Everybody knows what Sucker means!
Asshole: Have you seen Dictionary.com and how many definitions there are?
Assbag: Goddammit just use the popular definitions!
Asshole: You didn't answer my question. The problem lies in the precision of your language.
Assbag: Goddammit Asshole, they are
postulates. Do I need to explain
everything?
Asshole: Whatever, I don't have time for this shit. Anything else I need to know?
Assbag: You, are an Asshole. A dense one.
Asshole: ...That's intense.
Assbag: And a real jerk.
Asshole: One that knows sarcasm too. Want a piece of my Asshole Mode?
Assbag: *sighs dramatically* I'm signing off. Good luck pissing people off.
Asshole: Well thanks, I just did one in.
I am no elitist. I do not hate and discriminate people with a terrible lack of wit, nor do I hate people who like to speak the obvious and
draw comparisons between a fucking game and goddamned reality.
(Here's a quote for you to see what the obvious are:
Can carry many things
One of Snake's most extraordinary qualities is the ability to carry roughly seventeen tons of equipment without any kind of convoy, backpack, or even a bulge in his pocket. Somehow, Snake manages to move unfatigued despite carrying an AK-47, 9MM Pistol, 20 Grenades, 30 Rations, A Giant Knife, 5 Sniper rifles, a Rail Gun, a 50 Caliber rifle, several types of Automatic Rifles, a truckload of ammo, a box big enough to fit a grown man, a oil drum, a camera, a robot, pornography, a microphone the size of a TV Camera, flashbangs, smoke grenades and several changes of clothes.
Need I tell you the obvious, that Final Fantasy VIII beats Solid Snake hands-down with a 18 pages x 11 Inventory List with a maximum count of 100 stocks for each Item, not to mention 16 GFs possessing 3 or 6 fucking players at any time, and 8 x 4 magic slots per toon? That they whip out their goddamned fucking weapons out of the blues? That they carry nothing even half as remotely useful as Snake's equipment, and hold on to something as pointless as a bloody pack of Zombie Powder, or a couple of Occult Magazines?
Oh wait... So you can compare a game to reality, and not a game to another game? So we're supposed to...compare apples to cakes instead of apples to oranges, right?
Actually, those aren't my main gripes. I can deal with a dull sense of humor no problem, but here lies an insult to an existing bunch of people...:
Possible deafness
Although Snake is responsive to loud noises, he asks lots of obvious questions, suggesting that he might have trouble with his hearing. During conversation, he will almost invariably repeat any Noun he hears in the form of a question. For example, if you were to tell Snake you live in California, Snake would reply, "California?!!". Perhaps the fifteen years he's spent firing loud automatic weapons have caught up to him.
If Snake ever tries to interrogate you at gunpoint, consider telling him your name is "Lord Marcus Thomas Randy Bowman-Schneider McFarland Thompson Randolph Lee Brady III". By the time he's repeating the "McFarland", you should be pretty far away.
Well, congratulations on picking up a pattern without understanding how the questioning patterns work. (Refer to above Asshole vs Assbag for references - hopefully your limited pattern recognition is able to pick up the actual nuances of how a Noun is selected, and not just any variable.) Oh, wait, you understood and you
still mocked? Oh hey, no problem, I saw that coming a million miles ahead as you did too...
By the way, in the above crappy fucked up example of a mockery, Snake would NOT repeat McFarland. Here's a list of responses he's likely to give:
"What the hell was that?"
"Sorry, didn't catch that - can I just call you Brady III?"
"How do you even remember your name?"
"Where are you from? That obscure country that just picks any random word and adds it to their name to make it a burger as long as one in Subway?"
"That must have taken quite a bit of time to practice..."
"I'm glad my name's as ordinary as John Doe."
"Who came up with that?"
...the list goes on.
Solid Snake: Solid Snake (Solid Snake!?) is the protagonist (protagonist!?) and playable character (playable character!?) of MGS. He can carry massive firearms in his pockets (pockets!?), hits on every female character in the game (flirtation!?), and repeats nouns in the form of questions (Noun!?).
I'm calling discrimination on this one.
Well, whaddya know!
People like this actually exist!And
yours truly is
one goddamned example!
Wow, I didn't know people called those who ask questions in the forms of...well, repeated "nouns" as deaf and dumb (as in, you know, stupid, just so we're on the same page and not go into semantics). Now I know why there are some people who act up on me just because I like to repeat what they say!
Here's a brief lesson for you people who have difficulty understanding this speech pattern.
IT'S CALLED THE NI SPEAK!!!
Assbag: What? "Ni Speak?"
Yes, Ni Speak. It's a goddamned fucking postulate. Why are you asking me? And by the way, if you don't have it, you won't get it - it's evident throughout this blog and you'll never pick it up if you never had it. Oh of course, unless you have shadow functions acting on your whim --
Assbag: What? Shadow functions?! What the hell are you talking about!?
Fucking postulates. Stop acting like the nerd you just condemned. Okay, because you have limited understanding and I'm not an Assbag like you (since I'm an Asshole), I will be nice and tell you what those noun repetitions actually mean, much as you'd like to pretend that you know how it works.
It's called highlighting keywords while attaching this request, "Please elaborate." (Even better if you can give "why", and hopefully the other 4 Ws and 1H if relevant, to prevent such pointless "pressing for more information" in the form of "noun repetition".)
Short, simple and succinct, but apparently ineffective against a bunch of people who would rather assume they know what a person means rather than get a correct interpretation of people's words. And these smart people apparently cannot even comprehend that this short, selective noun repetition is also packed with courtesy: it is also asking, "Do you have more to say?"
Assbag: Is that an insult? Dumb nuts who need everything explained to them. *rolls eyes and walks away*
Asshole: You don't walk away from a Codec. You turn off the transmission. It's too bad you were born with the knowledge of the universe.
It almost feels like Jedi power (no, I have never watched Star Wars...well, not that I remember; my Ni tells me that this term is used correctly) to understand Snake, how he talks and how he thinks, and not have to stoop and condescend to make a mockery out of someone who just acts, thinks and talks differently.
If this Asshole mode is upsetting, don't be upset. I'm just employing the same tactics
that writer used, in the same satirical manner. D'you know what's the difference? Their words cut corners - mine just cut.
Ranting Mode DeactivatedAnd now for some crude, pointless epilogues.
